It bothers me this common assumption that I have someone, and it bothers me when they assume I need or want someone. I don’t like being called independent, like what in the fuck am I supposed to do? What would you do? You have something to do and you do it. That doesn’t make you independent, and I find it such a souring word.

I don’t enjoy the weird sympathy about being alone. Oh what a shame. Oh you poor thing.

Is it though? Because i’ve not flourished as much as I have without a guy in my peripheral view. I wish I hadn’t met any of my ex boyfriends to be honest. The good ones or the nasty ones. I miss nothing, I was miserable within the stable ones and miserable within the abusive ones. I did have depression and anxiety for years and those fun demons never leave fully but I haven’t had hard issues with them in a couple years.

How much is taken raising my baby and I actually enjoy it and making myself dizzy learning and managing the ropes of online, the possibility of risking all of that for someone else seems like insanity. For how many times the sick twisted ones sabotaged me or tried to destroy me. For even the lovely ones, we were in two different realms I felt alone, but in the same room with someone.

To risk having someone to trust or not trust seems insane to me.

Mr baby won’t be young forever, which is also nice, as I enjoy how much more independent he becomes each day and more separate we become. You borrowed my womb for awhile, now time to learn to become your own little bird of paradise.

I wish I had been forced to be romantically alone a long time ago, not from a pandemic, given the consequences on everyone. I spent so long looking for something, someone that may never be in my cards and by choice. At least, this is how I feel currently. I wish I had had a baby way younger and I wish I had been healthy and strong enough to be capable of that as it would have been better for me. Not looking to change the past and hindsight is twenty twenty. I’m just comfortable.

I remember the last good boyfriend I had, six years ago, before all the back to back pricks, his dad would say you can’t access someone who doesn’t have some sort of void. If they are happy and content. I used to imagine this like honeycombs and people fill different holes within the comb for an individual’s needs or wants. This last year, I finally understand what he meant. I wanted to take care of someone, but not a fucking grown up. It was a huge vulnerability and blindspot of mine unethical predators exploited. Except, now that little comb is closed forever. I am alone in the adult sense, I don’t feel alone though. I love my baby, my pets, and my offline/online friends. And one day, when the little one is busier and around less, there are more things I can get to do, that don’t necessarily involve finding a boyfriend.